Transparent: free from pretense or deceit;
easily detected or seen through;
readily understood
This blog is meant to to be a release to me, I enjoy writing and getting my story out of me. It is therapeutic. "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" (Anna Nalick, 2 AM). My entire life I've always fought the need to be transparent. To be readily understood, easily seen through, free from pretense and deceit. This is a way to get my story out, my way. After all, it is MY story with a few key characters. I appreciate those of you who are reading and following along through my journey of this life. Thank you.
She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess, we're all one phone call
From our knees
We're gonna get there soon
If every building falls
If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Crying in her room
Praying, Lord, come through
Mat Kearney "Closer to Love"
Today is not a good day. My heart aches and I'm just sad. I'm not in the mood to joke about it. I don't want to hear "Your faith will get you through." I'm feeling a bit broken. I'm 27, I have a husband, 2 little men, and my body has turned against me. My body that I hated and abused for years officially turned against me. I never thought it could happen to me. I had an appointment on Monday and the Dr. showed me off to a few others as a learning experience. I felt like I should have charged admission. Today I can't get passed the word "cancer". I can't get passed the fact that my body is infected. I can't get passed the what-ifs. I can't get passed the blood work two years ago that showed elevated white blood cells but was told it was nothing. It was something. I can't look at the fact that what I have is slow moving. I can't look at the fact of remission or stable disease. I just cannot see it today. I see cancer. I see anger. I see incurable. I just want all of my questions answered and I want to start my treatment and get on with my life. I go to Philadelphia on Monday for the beginning of my tests to stage me. All I know is I am getting "biopsies, blood work, and other testing." I don't know what to expect. I'm angry that this is taking so long. I'm angry that the waiting list is usually 4 months to get into Philly and I got my appointment in 5 weeks from my diagnosis. I'm angry that they felt compelled to push to get me in. Grateful, yet angry. The sooner doctors see you, the more urgent they think it is. I am just ANGRY. I can't explain it other than that. I am angry that it is my body they had to show off to a parade of medical staff. I am angry that they diagnose you and then make you do all the phone calls and paper work. I am angry that I have to rely on other people to take care of my children so I can go to appointments. I am angry that I have to comfort other people. I am angry that other people have made this about them and their life. I am grateful for the medical team who is and will be working to get me better. I am grateful that I have people who love me enough to take care of my family when I can't. I am grateful I have people in my life who love me enough to be affected by this. I am just angry it happened. I have always struggled with compassion and sympathy but now I have been given the gift of empathy. Grateful I have that gift now, but I am angry how I had to get it.
4 days and a wake up...
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