I am amazed how many people have come up to me and said they appreciate the honesty of my blog. It boggles my mind to think I would be anything but honest. I am honest to a fault. I struggle with being tactful. I am certainly not one to sugarcoat things. I try very hard to be kind and not come off harsh. To be told that someone appreciates my honesty certainly means a lot.
Philadelphia went well. I had two more biopsies and some blood work done. The doctor was very nice and it was a great day of being with my Homie. Yesterday I had my PET scan so now we are just waiting for the results of everything to come together. The doctor in Philadelphia will call me Tuesday afternoon (10/2) with my results and course of action. With just the initial biopsy and what the Dr. could see at my appointment I have been diagnosed as Stage 1-B. The course of action would be at home topical chemotherapy creams and steroids. The average time until remission is 9 months to a year. That treatment plan relies solely on the cancer not having spread to my lymph nodes or organs which the PET scan will show. During my scan, I was lying there and I had this surreal moment where I finally recognized that this is my life, this is my reality. I am a "cancer patient", I am a statistic, I am "sick". This was my first PET scan, but most likely not my last. It wasn't an emotional moment, it wasn't painful, it wasn't sorrowful, it was surprisingly peaceful. I've moved on from the shock, anger, resentment, and fear and have found some peace with it all.
I have struggled with being tired for years (something we talked about last Monday and seems to come from having cancer) and right now I am whole body exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. I am struggling with finding a way to tone down my schedule. I am praying God will give me clear direction on what to give up and understanding from the people it affects. Being gone from my house 5 nights a week and being up early 7 days a week is putting a lot of strain on my health and right now something needs to give. Although I am an honest person, I am also a people pleaser. I hate to disappoint anyone or leave anyone in a position to have to fill my shoes when I have already committed to something. Please pray for me as I need to make a decision soon.
Sunday is the day we are supposed to get Christopher, the most adorable black and white kitty I have ever seen. Although Homie and I were shooting for the name "Saber", Fred decided that the runt of the litter deserved a big name, and Christopher is what he chose. It took a bit to get used to but I love the name. I cannot wait for that little fluff to come and neither can Fred. Apparently, he has been using the "Cute kitten" story on the girls at school to get "Awwwws" from them. Man with a baby, boy with a kitten...same story. I love my Fred!
We have currently entered the world of potty training. Everything was going really well the first few days and then Bubs decided it was more fun to save his "toop" for when he was alone in his room. After a few days and some bargaining, he is allowed 2 stickers and an episode "Diego" everytime he "toops" on the potty. I can honestly say, I have never seen this child "toop" so much. I have no shame, I made a deal with a two year old and I will stick with it as long as it means we are a diaper free house.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
"Take my hand....
...knot your fingers through mine, and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time." Snow Patrol- Open Your Eyes
Transparent: free from pretense or deceit;
easily detected or seen through;
readily understood
This blog is meant to to be a release to me, I enjoy writing and getting my story out of me. It is therapeutic. "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" (Anna Nalick, 2 AM). My entire life I've always fought the need to be transparent. To be readily understood, easily seen through, free from pretense and deceit. This is a way to get my story out, my way. After all, it is MY story with a few key characters. I appreciate those of you who are reading and following along through my journey of this life. Thank you.
Transparent: free from pretense or deceit;
easily detected or seen through;
readily understood
This blog is meant to to be a release to me, I enjoy writing and getting my story out of me. It is therapeutic. "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" (Anna Nalick, 2 AM). My entire life I've always fought the need to be transparent. To be readily understood, easily seen through, free from pretense and deceit. This is a way to get my story out, my way. After all, it is MY story with a few key characters. I appreciate those of you who are reading and following along through my journey of this life. Thank you.
She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess, we're all one phone call
From our knees
We're gonna get there soon
If every building falls
If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Crying in her room
Praying, Lord, come through
Mat Kearney "Closer to Love"
Today is not a good day. My heart aches and I'm just sad. I'm not in the mood to joke about it. I don't want to hear "Your faith will get you through." I'm feeling a bit broken. I'm 27, I have a husband, 2 little men, and my body has turned against me. My body that I hated and abused for years officially turned against me. I never thought it could happen to me. I had an appointment on Monday and the Dr. showed me off to a few others as a learning experience. I felt like I should have charged admission. Today I can't get passed the word "cancer". I can't get passed the fact that my body is infected. I can't get passed the what-ifs. I can't get passed the blood work two years ago that showed elevated white blood cells but was told it was nothing. It was something. I can't look at the fact that what I have is slow moving. I can't look at the fact of remission or stable disease. I just cannot see it today. I see cancer. I see anger. I see incurable. I just want all of my questions answered and I want to start my treatment and get on with my life. I go to Philadelphia on Monday for the beginning of my tests to stage me. All I know is I am getting "biopsies, blood work, and other testing." I don't know what to expect. I'm angry that this is taking so long. I'm angry that the waiting list is usually 4 months to get into Philly and I got my appointment in 5 weeks from my diagnosis. I'm angry that they felt compelled to push to get me in. Grateful, yet angry. The sooner doctors see you, the more urgent they think it is. I am just ANGRY. I can't explain it other than that. I am angry that it is my body they had to show off to a parade of medical staff. I am angry that they diagnose you and then make you do all the phone calls and paper work. I am angry that I have to rely on other people to take care of my children so I can go to appointments. I am angry that I have to comfort other people. I am angry that other people have made this about them and their life. I am grateful for the medical team who is and will be working to get me better. I am grateful that I have people who love me enough to take care of my family when I can't. I am grateful I have people in my life who love me enough to be affected by this. I am just angry it happened. I have always struggled with compassion and sympathy but now I have been given the gift of empathy. Grateful I have that gift now, but I am angry how I had to get it.
4 days and a wake up...
Sunday, September 9, 2012
"Back to Life...
...Back to Reality." En Vogue
So, here I sit. Home from an amazing 8 days in Ocean City, New Jersey. My favorite place to be in the entire world. My soul finds peace there, my world is right there. For one straight week, I was away from the looming of Dr. appointments and I had completely forgotten that I was waiting for a phone call from my doctor about the probability of another cancer. You know me, I lay awake at night and think about EVERYTHING. It is what I do. Every night at the beach, I slept. Even though the bed was AWFUL and the 2 year old had the most comfortable one in the house, I still slept. My first thought when I woke up wasn't, "I have cancer and I am waiting to find out if I have another" but rather, "Do I make coffee or send the man to WaWa for it?". (That's right Homie, GO TO WAWA!) That was the complexity that was weighing on my mind first thing in the morning. AND IT WAS HEAVEN! It was only fitting that as I was walking on the boardwalk Thursday morning, completely unaware that it was Thursday and I was waiting for a Dr. to call, my phone rang. When I looked down at the screen I saw who it was and immediately was nervous. Can you blame me? The one phone call I never expected came earlier this summer, now I dreaded seeing another Dr. on the line. He called to tell me how the original test I had came back with high cancer cells and the probability of some major surgery (especially for a 27 year old) was ahead of me like we had discussed. Only, the second test he had done a week earlier showed NO signs of cancer (when he was biopsying he even took two extra painful little samples because he couldn't physically see any cancer) and he was completely and utterly confused. That's ok Pal, be confused! He was always quite confused that Bubbie was carried to 36 weeks, let alone 39 weeks and had to be induced. I do have to go in for extra testing and a bigger (i.e. more painful) biopsy but that's fine. I appreciate the better safe than sorry attitude, but I am pretty sure I am safe. He said it isn't immediate and that I should get things settled down in Philly first.
Fred started 3rd grade at his new school the week before we had vacation. He absolutely loves it and took the liberty of not doing his vacation homework before we left and got stuck with it all last night and this morning. Third grade means 30 minutes of homework a night times four nights missed equals 4.5 Fred hours of homework. It was quite an experience for the both of us and I now give MAJOR props to homeschooling moms. I DO NOT have that gift.
The Bubs and I thoroughly enjoy alone time while Fred is gone during the day. Bubbie enjoys it SO much that he can't seem to break away from me, ever. Homie's one complaint this vacation was "These kids don't leave you alone." I think he wanted some time with me too. What can I say? I'm a fun girl! :) I am grateful for these men and the massive doses of love they give me. I admit, sometimes it is suffocating, and I often would push little arms away and say, "Not right now." But I learned this summer, if someone wants a cuddle, give it. If someone wants a kiss, pucker up. If someone needs a story read, read it. Time is short and eventually these little boys are going to turn into big boys who will turn into great men. They won't want my cuddles or my kisses. So I will take them while I can get them.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the original dermatologist to discuss what I am going to go through down in Philadelphia. Quite honestly, I want to cancel the appointment and be surprised. I don't need to hear about needles and tests beforehand. So, like any strong willed person of my nature would do, I got an AMAZINGLY awesome tan at the beach so he is distracted with a lecture on proper sun care and not what is really going on. AHH, the powers of manipulation and passive aggressive behavior. We will ignore the fact that half my tan is already peeling off. :)
This month is going to be quite busy with the restart of Wednesday night activities at church (Homie is doing a men's study, Fred is in the boys program, Bubbie is starting his first Wednesday night club, and I am helping with the youth group girls), doctor's appointments, inventory at Homie's work (can't complain about overtime, he claims he enjoys working 6 days a week....how awful of a wife am I that he WANTS to work that often?! :) ), and just the normal back to school adjusting. So, to end my vacation on a high, I am going to finish this glass of wine I started with this entry, finish cooking dinner, and veg out in front of Netflix. Life is Good.
P.S. If you read this, show some love. Homegirl LOVES feedback!
So, here I sit. Home from an amazing 8 days in Ocean City, New Jersey. My favorite place to be in the entire world. My soul finds peace there, my world is right there. For one straight week, I was away from the looming of Dr. appointments and I had completely forgotten that I was waiting for a phone call from my doctor about the probability of another cancer. You know me, I lay awake at night and think about EVERYTHING. It is what I do. Every night at the beach, I slept. Even though the bed was AWFUL and the 2 year old had the most comfortable one in the house, I still slept. My first thought when I woke up wasn't, "I have cancer and I am waiting to find out if I have another" but rather, "Do I make coffee or send the man to WaWa for it?". (That's right Homie, GO TO WAWA!) That was the complexity that was weighing on my mind first thing in the morning. AND IT WAS HEAVEN! It was only fitting that as I was walking on the boardwalk Thursday morning, completely unaware that it was Thursday and I was waiting for a Dr. to call, my phone rang. When I looked down at the screen I saw who it was and immediately was nervous. Can you blame me? The one phone call I never expected came earlier this summer, now I dreaded seeing another Dr. on the line. He called to tell me how the original test I had came back with high cancer cells and the probability of some major surgery (especially for a 27 year old) was ahead of me like we had discussed. Only, the second test he had done a week earlier showed NO signs of cancer (when he was biopsying he even took two extra painful little samples because he couldn't physically see any cancer) and he was completely and utterly confused. That's ok Pal, be confused! He was always quite confused that Bubbie was carried to 36 weeks, let alone 39 weeks and had to be induced. I do have to go in for extra testing and a bigger (i.e. more painful) biopsy but that's fine. I appreciate the better safe than sorry attitude, but I am pretty sure I am safe. He said it isn't immediate and that I should get things settled down in Philly first.
Fred started 3rd grade at his new school the week before we had vacation. He absolutely loves it and took the liberty of not doing his vacation homework before we left and got stuck with it all last night and this morning. Third grade means 30 minutes of homework a night times four nights missed equals 4.5 Fred hours of homework. It was quite an experience for the both of us and I now give MAJOR props to homeschooling moms. I DO NOT have that gift.
The Bubs and I thoroughly enjoy alone time while Fred is gone during the day. Bubbie enjoys it SO much that he can't seem to break away from me, ever. Homie's one complaint this vacation was "These kids don't leave you alone." I think he wanted some time with me too. What can I say? I'm a fun girl! :) I am grateful for these men and the massive doses of love they give me. I admit, sometimes it is suffocating, and I often would push little arms away and say, "Not right now." But I learned this summer, if someone wants a cuddle, give it. If someone wants a kiss, pucker up. If someone needs a story read, read it. Time is short and eventually these little boys are going to turn into big boys who will turn into great men. They won't want my cuddles or my kisses. So I will take them while I can get them.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the original dermatologist to discuss what I am going to go through down in Philadelphia. Quite honestly, I want to cancel the appointment and be surprised. I don't need to hear about needles and tests beforehand. So, like any strong willed person of my nature would do, I got an AMAZINGLY awesome tan at the beach so he is distracted with a lecture on proper sun care and not what is really going on. AHH, the powers of manipulation and passive aggressive behavior. We will ignore the fact that half my tan is already peeling off. :)
This month is going to be quite busy with the restart of Wednesday night activities at church (Homie is doing a men's study, Fred is in the boys program, Bubbie is starting his first Wednesday night club, and I am helping with the youth group girls), doctor's appointments, inventory at Homie's work (can't complain about overtime, he claims he enjoys working 6 days a week....how awful of a wife am I that he WANTS to work that often?! :) ), and just the normal back to school adjusting. So, to end my vacation on a high, I am going to finish this glass of wine I started with this entry, finish cooking dinner, and veg out in front of Netflix. Life is Good.
P.S. If you read this, show some love. Homegirl LOVES feedback!
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