"I want to live like that....

And give it all I have." Sidewalk Prophets- Live Like That


With the passing of my last loving grandparent, I have been thinking about the grandparents I had and how amazing they were, specifically my step-grandmother. She was a Proverbs 31 woman through and through. I never remember her complaining, being tired, losing her patience. She was always calm and warm. It's the only way I can describe her, warm. I don't remember her being particularly cuddly or affectionate but she was warm. She always had a smile on her face and peace in her eyes. Growing up, her and my grandfather used to take us camping in their camper to a few different places a year and it gave me some of the best memories I have ever had. As an adult, I look back at those times spent with her and think, how? She was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy when  I was a young child and when I was 10 she passed away. I never remember her complaining about feeling ill or tired. I do remember finding her "special" bra and some of her wigs, a definite way to freak out an 8 year old. "Mom, why are grandma's boobs in her bra when she takes it off?". But never once a complaint. Even on her death bed, when the morphine would wear off and she came out of her drug induced haze, she would cry out in grief over the passing of her daughter. She relived that moment over and over but not once did she have any self-pity or complaint against God. As a teenager and young adult, I was pretty certain that I would never allow my child to see someone they loved in such agony and turmoil. But as a mother of two, and now a "cancer" patient, I realize that had I not seen her in the end stage of her life, I wouldn't have the appreciation for who she was exactly. She was the living definition of grace and love. She was the most godly woman I have ever met and I want to be like her. I don't want to live a life of self-pity or self-indulgence. I want to live a life, that even on my sickest day, points to Him. Two nights in a row the dinner time prayer was "Thank you for giving my wife the energy to cook this fantastic meal." His prayer of thanks, as silly as it sounds, spoke to my soul that maybe, just maybe, I am like Grandma E, and maybe just maybe, I am doing something right. I pray that even though I might be having a rough day, I might being feeling down or just worn down, that His spirit will shine through and that is what people see.

"I get down, He lifts me up."

This week was the week we were all waiting for, the PET scan results. October 2nd came and almost went when I finally got up the nerve to call Philly and find out why they didn't call me. Apparently, there is a doctor with the same name here in the Valley and they sent my results to them. Hmmm, HIPPA laws anyone? Could I possibly be rich (I kid, I kid)? So, October 3rd came and seriously almost went when I got the phone call. Turns out, my lymph nodes are cancer FREE! Can I get an AMEN?! My treatment plan is all set up and now I am just waiting to receive my chemo cream. Apparently, CVS (which I have deemed Can't Value...anyway...), does not and will not carry my medication. After two days of calling to see if my medication was in, because they told me it was being delivered, they informed me, NOPE sorry, not happening, it's too expensive. Clearly, it doesn't matter if my insurance is going to cover the $2,100 a month bill (SERIOUSLY!), they won't stock it. If I can't find someone in the LV to supply it, I will have to order it through U of Penn's pharmacy and take a trip to Philly once a month for my meds. A minor inconvience, seriously. I have no problem making that trip, I could think of a lot more inconvenient scenarios that could have stemmed from this cancer. I just can't stand CVS and haven't been able to tolerate them in years so they will no longer be getting my patronage. Oh, my chemo cream, that costs $2,100 (I say it again just to drive the point home to you), is only covered by 10% of insurance plans. Thank you Lord, for having us fall in the 10%. This week was a week of answered prayers. I fully believe there is yes, no, and not now, but I am singing a song of hallelujah right now for falling in the yes category. I can't be more grateful. Yes, I could focus on the woe, I have CTCL. WAAAAH. Too bad. Things could be a lot worse. Yes, I am going to have some pretty painful sores on my stomach once I get a hold of my cream, but I will be able to carry on my life as usual. Yes, I have chronic fatigue, but that should subside when remission hits. Yes, it does suck that I am 27 and have cancer, not gonna lie, but I WILL go into remission. And if it comes back, we will deal with it then. I will always be aware of it and on the look out for it, yes, that is my reality, but it doesn't consume me, it doesn't define me. I'm not who I was before this and I'm not who I will be but for now, this is me. And if you read this, you are stuck with me for quite some time. :)