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I haven't written in months and I continually tell myself I am going to and then I get distracted. This past year flew by so quickly that I can't even remember half of it. I used to pride myself on my awesome memory but now people remind me of funny stories I have told and I have no memory of them. Early onset Alzheimer's maybe. Consequently, I can't remember half of the things I wanted to put in here so now you get some ramblings about how uninspired I am.

As I wrote last year, I am not the biggest fan of New Year's resolutions, but I made some anyway this year. And like the expert on the news said (yes, they had a resolution expert interviewed...seriously America?), don't give up if you break them once, try again. Soooo, here we go.

#1. More reading, less watching. My goal this year is to read through the Bible (or at least follow the study on my own pace). I'm not doing the standard start in Genesis and go, it is a very sporadic study so that you don't get confused or bogged down in Leviticus and Numbers and give up. I also want to read 2 books a month. I figured, the hubs bought me a Fire for a reason, right? So, while I am doing all this reading my 2nd part to number 1 will come easily...less watching TV. I find myself often just mindlessly watching crap...and that's gotta stop. There is nothing wrong with downtime but I don't need to veg out constantly in front of the tube. Come to think of it, that was one of my improvements from last year. I'll just say I'm following the experts advice and picking up where I left off...wherever that may have been.

#2. It's ok if my house isn't spotless. Well, at least I am going to tell myself that until I hopefully believe it. I put so much time and energy trying to keep this house clean that I often miss out on relaxing time with my men...and lots of cuddles. And let's face it, the Bubs is turning 2 (yes, 2, already) and Fred will be 8 shortly after. I can't believe that I have two kids, let alone a big kid and a toddler. So, less time being "busy" and more time with my men.

#3. PSSSSH, there is no number 3, I'm already having trouble with 1 & 2 (especially 2!).

Self-control

I turned my Facebook page off last night when I got home from work after realizing I am on that thing far too often. I didn't realize how actually addicted I was to it until I compared it to my times as a smoker. And how eerily alike they both seemed to be. When I used to smoke, I would wake up, go to the bathroom, crab my coffee, turn some cartoons on for Dude, and go outside for a cigarette (or as lovingly refered to by my family on vacation one year...my vitamins). I would then make breakfast, feed Dude, clean up breakfast, grab a second cup of coffee, and reward myself for accomplishing those tasks with another cigarette. I would then shower, get dressed, and get ready for the day and OOOH, I did that so awesomely, time to go outside. OH now someone called me, time to go outside while I talk on the phone. I mean, I don't want to disturb anyone with my conversation now do I? I dusted the house, so before I vaccum, time to smoke. Seriously. That was what started my day off, and that is what I did after accomplishing anything. Now, sadly, my FB is the same way...except I can check that while still being with my children. Every morning while drinking my cup o' joe and watching the news, I check my FB. After taking Dude to school, check my FB. After cleaning the kitchen from breakfast and last nights dinner (if I worked there is usually something from it left for me), I'll check my FB. Before my shower, after my shower. Before lunch, after lunch. While on the phone. In the bathroom. Before work, after work...sometimes *GASP* at work. Seriously. It is an addiction, and one that won't give my children cancer if I use it in front of them. Now, to fully break a habit, it is proven you need 21 days of complete abstinence. According to that, I shouldn't log back in until October 7. Truthfully, I will probably log in WAY before that. I would love to not, but let's face it, it has become almost a way of life. I communicate with some people solely through Facebook.  I do really enjoy it (although I also thoroughly enjoyed smoking too). So, for now I am off. Tomorrow I might come back. Maybe I will surprise myself and stay off for a week, or two, or three. Who knows?

This one is kind of heavy...

*I'm not starting a debate here and I will not respond to one if it is started. This is my heart and my knowledge and no amount of arguing can change that.*


I feel the greatest destroyer of peace today is “Abortion”, because it is a war against the child… A direct killing of the innocent child, “Murder” by the mother herself… And if we can accept that a mother can kill even her own child, how can we tell other people not to kill one another? How do we persuade a woman not to have an abortion? As always, we must persuade her with love… And we remind ourselves that love means to be willing to give until it hurts… – Mother Teresa


I was 18 when I got pregnant. Thankfully it didn't happen sooner because Lord knows it could have, years sooner. But it happened. And it happened when I was 18. Literally fresh out of high school. The Dr. who informed me that yes, yes I was indeed going to have a baby, is the same woman who tried to convince me NOT to have that baby. Come to think of it, I don't even know if that woman was a Dr. or just a woman at the clinic. Regardless, she tried with all her might for me to abort the baby. Seriously. I actually left the room before she was finished talking because she was arguing the case that it would be easier just to have the procedure and go on with my life. No one would need to know. No big deal. Well, to me it was and IS a big deal. So big, that this "deal" now weighs in at 46lbs and is almost up to my shoulders. So big, that this "deal" calls me "Mommy" and has a baby brother. So big, that this "deal" has no idea that someone tried to convince me that he wasn't worth anything. Let me tell you, he is worth everything.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was horrible. It was gut wrenching. The words "Yes you are pregnant, but just barely", were a knife into my soul. I couldn't have a baby. I couldn't. I just started my life. I just graduated. I was just taking a year off and going to college. I just started making decent money.  Now, it was all ending. Those were the thoughts going through my head. I know the desperation of finding out you are pregnant when it is the absolute last thing you ever imagined for yourself. It is literally the end of your world.
I remember him calling his friend, as happy as could be, saying "SHE'S PREGNANT!!!!" and falling apart. I sat there sobbing in the front seat of the hunter green Civic. I remember having to tell my parents. We took dinner to their house and I was completely prepared to throw it at them, say "I'm pregnant" and run away as fast as possible. I remember how it really went, how the anger from my mom was devastating and the calmness from my dad was serene. I remember those first few months. The miscarriage of a twin. The finding out IT was a boy. The early labor. I remember it all. I can't remember all these details with my second, but this guy, I remember everything. I remember it all because someone tried to dismiss his life so quickly. To give me the easy out. Let me tell you, not much of his life has been easy for me or his dad. But he is a LIFE and he deserved his life, so we worked at it, and we worked hard, and we are giving him his LIFE.
Now I wonder, how can someone make their living by deciding who is WORTH it?? How can someone claim it isn't a life before a certain time when science PROVES it? He who denies that human life begins with conception does not need to contend with religion, but science. To deny this certainty of biology is not to express a lack of faith, but a lack of basic knowledge of human genetics, something that is even known by the general public.” ~ Ecuadorian Federation of Societies of Gynecology and Obstetrics, April 17, 2008
How can someone so easily dismiss a human being? How do you get that hard and calloused? I have seen the pain abortion has caused the women who have had them. I have hugged them and cried with them. Abortion isn't painless. It kills a baby and it kills part of it's mother. It robs so many, yet is so highly accepted. Simple morality dictates that unless and until someone can prove the unborn human is not alive, we must give it the benefit of the doubt and assume it is (alive). And, thus, it should be entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” – Ronald Reagan 1982




This isn't about religion, this is about life. My son's life. A life that some woman tried to convince me wasn't worth anything. Thankfully, gratefully, I didn't listen.

I haven't written in awhile because I am just plain exhausted and can't think of anything. Honestly. The Bubs has been sick twice now since I wrote last (Roseola and now a bad cold). On the plus side, this is his first real cold since his surgery and his ears are completely fine! YAY! But molars are working their way up and in and that equals a constant waterfall from the nose and mouth along with the need to sneak in a bite of my arm/leg/shoulder/face whenever the opportunity presents itself. This behavior is 100% not tolerable and he knows it so he does it when I'm not looking. Like say, I'm reading a book in a pair of shorts. Or maybe carrying him up the stairs to bed. It's a shame Twilight is done filming they could have used him as one of the vampires (or bampires as Dude used to call them).
Last night, during one of Bubbie's nightly crying matches, the cat joined us in his room. Now, Bubs has only seen this cat about 5 times in his life because she only comes around when the kids (and dog) are in their respective beds asleep. So to have this tiny, furry, noise making thing come in his room was a big deal...especially to a Bubbie who didn't want to go back to sleep. It took some time and a few hundred Bubbie barks (all animals still currently bark), before he succumbed to the tylenol induced sleep that was enveloping his brain. After he was in bed, and it was pushing 12:30am, I started reminiscing of the days when Dude was small. When please was pweeze, thank you was tank too, and I love you was I lo u. It blows my mind how quickly the time went, how overnight mazagines became magazines, Blankie is no longer needed for a solid night sleep, and Sesame Street was replaced with Star Wars. I still remember at 4 years old being asked NOT to kiss him at soccer because people might see him. REALLY? I now have to get a hug and kiss before we turn the corner to school. Although, I truly enjoy Dude and all his intricacies, like saying Thank you to the waitress in Japanese when we went out to dinner, I would really like him to slow down a bit. I miss the sweetness of complete and sheer innocence. So, while Bubbie is keeping me pretty exhausted 80% of the time, I look at Dude and realize how quickly this stage of life goes, and try and relish it.


*Coundown to vacation... T-33 day!!!!

It's Gotta Be....

Give me rules,

I will break them.

Show me lines,

I will cross them.

I need more than

A truth to believe.

I need a truth that lives,

Moves and breathes,

To sweep me off my feet....

...Give me words,

I'll misuse them.

Obligations,

I'll misplace them.

'Cause all religion

Ever made of me,

Was just a sinner

With a stone tied to my feet.

It never set me free, it's gotta be,

More like falling in love,

Than something to believe in.

More like losing my heart,

Than giving my allegiance.

Caught up, called out,

Come take a look at me now.

It's like I'm falling,

It's like I'm falling in love....

"More Like Falling in Love"~ Jason Gray

As I was driving home Monday night this song came on the radio and I just sat and digested the words that Jason Gray was belting out. And it hit me. HARD. Even though I know and believe it's grace that has set me free, I often (more times than I'd like to admit), TRY. If I DO this, than I am better. If I SAY this, I am stronger. I am more faithful. I am THAT much better. YES, I am just so GOOD.
Then, I fail. I epically fail. I am SOOO NOT GOOD. I am not stronger. I am NOT more faithful. I am PAINFULLY NOT good, stronger or faithful. I am "just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet".
Thankfully, gratefully, I have been given grace. I have not been required anything but to accept who HE is, acknowledge that I can't but HE can, and to take His love and give it freely .
The victim of the cross became the victor of the resurrection.
For that, I am eternally grateful.

8 years....

Eight years ago today, I met the person I was to spend my life with. 18 year old me never would have thought the night that we met, (which wasn't exactly the sweetest of meetings thanks to yours truly), that we would start dating the following week, get engaged two months later, and have a baby 10 months later. If someone would have told me that night that Homie was THE ONE I would have laughed in their face. And now...8 years later, he is my absolute best friend in the world. It was a rough start, a rough few years, rougher than any one can imagine, and yet, here we are 8 years later, going on 7 years of marriage. We can finish each others sentences, laugh at each others nonsense, tell each other (lovingly) to shut up when needed (ok so he needs to say it to me about 100x more than I ever need to say it), and we can just sit in silence and be content. One of the best pieces of advice that was given to me was from a man sitting at my parents dinner table, all gruff and rough, "No matter how broke you are, no matter how tired you are, no matter how busy you are, go on dates. Take an hour or two and just be alone. No kids. Just you and him. That's how it works." It took us 4 years to go on our first weekend alone and 7 years to go on our first REAL date. I wish I would have taken that advice sooner but thankful that I did. Now the only problem is, I would like to ditch the kids a little more often and be alone with the man. But that's a good problem to have. So, thank you Mr. "Goldman" for that piece of advice. It was a good nugget of information and I cherish it. Tonight we are going out to dinner to celebrate someone else, but secretly, he and I will be celebrating us and the divine intervention that has kept us together. I pray that in 8 more years, he will still be my best friend. After all, marriage is something you work at, everyday, because divorce is not an option and really, who wants to be married to someone they can't stand? That's not fun! If I'm going to be stuck with him, I might as well like him! :)

But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine

Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for awhile,

We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years,

We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time.

Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy,

Don't give up on me baby.

"For The First Time" ~The Script

Everything is fine...

It has been a month to the day since I last posted, and a crazy month it has been. The only thing I can really say is, everything is fine. Bubbie's surgery went well and he is fine. The move went well with only needing to saw our box spring (thank you Friend for staying extra long and helping my homie with that), and our bed is now fine. The dog is fine. The cat is fine. The dog is terrified of the cat which is COMPLETELY fine. Work is fine. The kids, the husband, myself...all fine. Really. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing is exciting or awesome or amazing. Nothing is terrible either. Just fine. Which makes me wonder....when is the storm going to start??? I'm just waiting for something beautiful.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep,

I feel the waves crashin' on my feet.

It's like I know where I need to be,

But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out,

Just how much air I will need to breathe,

When your tide rushes over me.

There's only one way to figure out,

Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire,

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach,

'Cause I am down on my knees.

I'm waiting for something beautiful,

Oh, something beautiful.

And the water is rising quick,

And for years I was scared of it.

We can't be sure when it will subside,

So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

Hey now, this is my desire,

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach,

'Cause I am down on my knees.

I'm waiting for somethng beautiful,

Oh, something beautiful.

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.

I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.

When I wake up, I know I will have,

No, I still won't have what I need.

Oh, something beautiful.

"Something Beautiful"~NeedToBreathe