I need G.A....

Germaphobes Anonymous. Yes, that's right. I am a straight up Lysol wipe carrying-shopping cart disinfecting-germaphobe. At some point during the past year, probably around Bubbie's 4th or 5th ear infection, I became a Class-A germaphope. I can't stop myself. I find myself carrying a baggie with Lysol wipes in my purse so I am always prepared to disinfect whatever surface the Bubs is going to touch. This is the complete opposite of how I was with the Dude. You're kid has a cold? No sweat. That crusty highchair? Whatever, he is SITTING on it, he has a layer of clothing between him and the half-eaten cheerios. And that kid? Yeah, he got sick ONCE as a baby. He had bronchitis and a double ear infection at 11 months old. That was it. He did get the occasional cold but nothing else. He was a healthy child. It's even more mind boggling because he has an auto-immune disorder. So, wouldn't he have gotten sick all the time? Nope. But Bubbie. Ugh. He has been sick since he was 3 weeks old and was on the verge of RSV. I used to be one of those people who would snicker inside when I saw someone wiping down whatever surface their child would touch. I would think 'Lady, you're crazy. Build that child's immune system.' Oh dear sweet ignorance. This is my apology to that mother. That mother who has most likely spent countless hours with a sick baby. A baby that once didn't get disinfected every time he left the house but now needs to. I apologize for my nasty, superior 'tude toward you. I now realize the necessity of Lysol wipes and anti-bacterial hand gel.
This Friday, Bubbie is getting tubes in his ears. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, I can lay off the Lysol and not worry so much about the tiniest cold. Until then, I would appreciate it if the local grocery stores will continue a well-stocked disinfectant aisle.

Moving....

We are officially in the throes of moving. We are only moving about 11 miles away and yet, I am completely exhausted. Not that I am doing any hard labor. I am doing all the "business" aspects...securing the truck, the permits, informing utilities to stop/start billing us. (I'd just like to interject that it is completely ridiculous that you need a permit to move into a place and move out. Really? REALLY??) My husband has done ALL the packing except for my half of the closet. He is patching holes and touching up walls here, while ripping down wallpaper and painting there. Did I mention he is still getting up at 4:45am to go to work and taking care of the boys while I'm at work? Yeah, he's pretty amazing. The question that remains in my mind is, why am I the tired one? Why am I so exhausted? I have done nothing labor intensive. I have been going about my normal day to day life with the exception of walking around a box or two and NOT looking at the mess.

Today actually starts day 1 of getting Bubbie to nap in his Pack-and-Play. He hasn't done it since last September and didn't do it well then. I am trying to make him used to it now because he and his brother will be sleeping at my parents house the weekend of the move. Now, this little bubbie is not as flexible as his big brother was. He is more intense and just, well, intense. He lets you know HE is HERE (I don't know where he got that from) and if he wants a toy or attention, he has no qualms about smacking you to get that toy or attention. (We do not tolerate this behavior.) He is a sweet and loving little boy who wants it his way at all costs. (I've really never met anyone like him.*insert sarcasm*) His brother was not so high strung. He was more of a cuddler who would be deeply wounded every time he was told "No". So, while I am grateful of grandma's offer to take both boys from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, I am terrified of the "We are NEVER doing THAT again". Which is why he is being trained to sleep in his Pack-and-Play. Hey, at least he will be well rested while beating up his brother at parent's house. :)

Woof Woof

Yesterday was a hard day. Past negatives were popping up all around me and I just couldn't shake the feeling of failure. Failures that shouldn't have a bearing on me anymore yet some times in the absolute silence of the day, they creep up from the darkest recess of my soul and grab at me.

Now today, I'm listening to the soundtrack of a 14 month old bark at pictures of a cat (all animals bark currently), and I realize, those failures are what brought me this little creature. Had I not made the mistakes, I wouldn't have the marriage I have today, the friends I have today, and this crazy little boy who thinks every animal barks and every toy with wheels is a car that says "rooooooom".

Grace is sufficient for me. And my husband and children are proof of that grace. Thank God for grace!

Well the past is playing with my head,
And failure knocks me down again.
I'm reminded of the wrong,
That I have said and done,
And that devil just won't let me forget.

In this life,
I know what I've been.
But here in your arms,
I know what I am.

I'm forgiven.

Yesterday was a waste of a day. Instead of relying on the One who can take them away, I fell deeper. Not anymore. Because while I was focusing on the PAST, I wasn't living the PRESENT. So today, I will live in today. Not yesterday, not 5 years ago, but today. Not tomorrow, not next week, not 5 years from now. Just today.

Teach me to number my days,

And count every moment,

Before it slips away.

Take all the colors,

Before they fade to gray.

I don't want to miss,

Even just a second more of this.

It happens in a blink.

It happens in a flash.
It happens in the time it took to look back.

I try to hold on tight,

But theres no stopping time.

What is it I've done with me life?

It happens in a blink.

When it's all said and done,

No one remembers how far we have run.

The only thing that matters,

Is how we have loved.

New Year, New You

I hate New Years. I hate the resolutions. I hate the staying up to watch a giant ball drop, just to say it's a new day, a new year, new hope, new, new, new. I hate it. Mostly because I buy into every year, and every year I disappoint myself. I make resolutions only to have them broken in a matter of days and then beat myself up for breaking them. So instead of ridiculous resolutions, I am making goals for myself this year. I realize I will not change over night. Or will I? After all, it's a new year and I'm not going to be cranky no matter how little sleep I got, right? Sure, then it's 3am, I have been asleep for 2 and a half hours and hear a blood curdling scream through the monitor. Then it's 7:20 and I have 40 more minutes to sleep and I hear "Mommy, let me show you this awesome lego comic that came with my Lego Star Wars magazine." Now, I haven't had my coffee yet and I hear "Hmmm, I could really go for some eggs right now." Combine the lack of solid sleep, the zero caffiene intake, and the wonderful horomones my Dr. has me on for the next couple of months and I am just a ball of joy aren't I?? RESOLUTION NUMBER 1, BROKEN. Not only is it broken, but it is destroyed before the new year could even start.
So this year, I decided not to make drastic changes over night but small little ones. And because I know you care so much, here they are.
1. I will not throw a fit (throwing covers, forcefully getting out of bed and opening the door and loudly proclaiming "Don't worry, I got it") when the baby wakes me up out of a deep sleep. Instead, I will calmly and quietly do it and if I truly am that exhausted, I will nicely ask the bed warmer next to me to please get him this time. And if I do throw a fit, I will apologize first thing in the morning.
2. I will read more and watch a little less TV. Because really, I don't know you personally Mario Lopez. You're baby is cute but come on, do I need to really know the details of your life? Probably not.
3. I will accept that I am human, I do make mistakes, I can't change yesterday, but can make today better.
4. And lastly, if I want that cookie, I'm going to eat it and not feel guilty.

These may seem juvenile, but they are my goals. They are not unattainable, ridiculous things that I am going to fail at over night. They are a work in progress, because I am a work in progress.

Maybe Redemption Has Stories To Tell....

Last night, I was watching a program on our local Christian station. It was about the world's view on Christians and Christianity and how Christians prefer to be right rather than loving. It probably wasn't the best show to be watching right before bed, as opposed to LOST which makes me have nightmares all night about a soaking wet, presumably dead, kid standing at the foot of my bed telling me to be quiet. But I digress. This show, which I never caught the name, was pretty intense. It was definitely a show that made you stop and think. Personally, I didn't like most of what it made me think. The thought process it made me go through, made me realize, WOW I am pretty bad at this whole 'Christian' thing. I profess His name while needing to be right all the time. I will get into arguments and disagreements over Biblical standpoints. I have done things, with the right intentions, but with the wrong course of action. I have hurt people, when I'm supposed to be loving them.

So, what am I supposed to do with that? How do I make things right? Where do you draw the line between being loving and being a doormat? Seriously, answer me and give me suggestions because I really want to know. I have been struggling with this for a while now, and I still can't wrap my head around it.

Dare You To Move

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe it is all right there in that song. It really is all about the tension between who you are and who you should be. That is quite possibly the answer. Being a Christian means to be SAVED BY GRACE. How can people who don't know grace truly give grace? Christians are human, humans make mistakes. We can't carry the weight of the world on our backs, we can only lift off of the floor and start again.

This Is Where The Healing Begins

A friend of mine said that they believe "If you have made it to your 30's and don't have any emotional baggage, then that scares me. It means you haven't lived." Do I agree? Not really. Everyone has a past, everyone has baggage. Whether it is a cute Louis Vuitton or a Samsonite duffel bag, most people have baggage. Does it scare me if someone doesn't? No. If you don't have baggage, be thankful. Baggage weighs on you, it crushes you, it breaks you. Have you ever lugged around a 20 pound bag in an airport? It isn't too bad for the first 10 minutes, a little annoying but not too painful. After an hour, your muscles are cramped and sore and you just want it to be gone. Then, you check your luggage at the counter and go on your merry way. Emotional baggage isn't so easy to 'check'.
As Christians, we have the option to check our luggage. We have a friend who not only wants to help carry it, but wants to completely take the load off of our backs. So, why do we fight it? Why do we continue to lug it around? Why do we allow it to rule us? You may go days or weeks without a thought about things you have done, people you have wronged, or people who have wronged you. Then it is there. You are minding your business, driving down the highway on a bright sunny day, listening to your favorite song on the radio, when it pops up. The pain is there, the panic you feel. You aren't proud of it, you want to crawl and hide. Then you hear a voice that says, "It's ok. Why are you feeling that way? What are you thinking of? If I don't remember, why do you?"
Someone is always there for you, waiting to carry your baggage, to free you. Why, why do you insist on carrying it yourself? I struggle with this. I struggle with a past that I hate, but I refuse to let the darkness cover His light. I KNOW that I am WASHED, I am JUSTIFIED, I am SANCTIFIED through Jesus Christ.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

"And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Cor 6:11



This Is Where The Healing Begins- Tenth Avenue North

Let me introduce myself....

First and foremost, I am not a writer. I am strictly writing this blog to prove that I am not, nor ever will be, a writer. Even at the age of 25, I am still trying to prove my parents wrong. I am horrible at grammar and though I know how to spell, and actually enjoy spelling, I am usually too tired to do anything but write words phonetically. I am missing keys on my keyboard which will just make my grammar more pitiful than it already is. And though, as previously stated, I know how to spell, I still make up my own words just to get my point across.
I am not witty, I am quite lame. I have no real hobbies. At one point in my life I used to read, at least two books a month. Now, I have resorted to spending countless hours on Facebook. If I haven't chased you away yet, just wait until I start writing on this thing. I will lose my followers sooner than I gained them.