It's Gotta Be....

Give me rules,

I will break them.

Show me lines,

I will cross them.

I need more than

A truth to believe.

I need a truth that lives,

Moves and breathes,

To sweep me off my feet....

...Give me words,

I'll misuse them.

Obligations,

I'll misplace them.

'Cause all religion

Ever made of me,

Was just a sinner

With a stone tied to my feet.

It never set me free, it's gotta be,

More like falling in love,

Than something to believe in.

More like losing my heart,

Than giving my allegiance.

Caught up, called out,

Come take a look at me now.

It's like I'm falling,

It's like I'm falling in love....

"More Like Falling in Love"~ Jason Gray

As I was driving home Monday night this song came on the radio and I just sat and digested the words that Jason Gray was belting out. And it hit me. HARD. Even though I know and believe it's grace that has set me free, I often (more times than I'd like to admit), TRY. If I DO this, than I am better. If I SAY this, I am stronger. I am more faithful. I am THAT much better. YES, I am just so GOOD.
Then, I fail. I epically fail. I am SOOO NOT GOOD. I am not stronger. I am NOT more faithful. I am PAINFULLY NOT good, stronger or faithful. I am "just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet".
Thankfully, gratefully, I have been given grace. I have not been required anything but to accept who HE is, acknowledge that I can't but HE can, and to take His love and give it freely .
The victim of the cross became the victor of the resurrection.
For that, I am eternally grateful.

8 years....

Eight years ago today, I met the person I was to spend my life with. 18 year old me never would have thought the night that we met, (which wasn't exactly the sweetest of meetings thanks to yours truly), that we would start dating the following week, get engaged two months later, and have a baby 10 months later. If someone would have told me that night that Homie was THE ONE I would have laughed in their face. And now...8 years later, he is my absolute best friend in the world. It was a rough start, a rough few years, rougher than any one can imagine, and yet, here we are 8 years later, going on 7 years of marriage. We can finish each others sentences, laugh at each others nonsense, tell each other (lovingly) to shut up when needed (ok so he needs to say it to me about 100x more than I ever need to say it), and we can just sit in silence and be content. One of the best pieces of advice that was given to me was from a man sitting at my parents dinner table, all gruff and rough, "No matter how broke you are, no matter how tired you are, no matter how busy you are, go on dates. Take an hour or two and just be alone. No kids. Just you and him. That's how it works." It took us 4 years to go on our first weekend alone and 7 years to go on our first REAL date. I wish I would have taken that advice sooner but thankful that I did. Now the only problem is, I would like to ditch the kids a little more often and be alone with the man. But that's a good problem to have. So, thank you Mr. "Goldman" for that piece of advice. It was a good nugget of information and I cherish it. Tonight we are going out to dinner to celebrate someone else, but secretly, he and I will be celebrating us and the divine intervention that has kept us together. I pray that in 8 more years, he will still be my best friend. After all, marriage is something you work at, everyday, because divorce is not an option and really, who wants to be married to someone they can't stand? That's not fun! If I'm going to be stuck with him, I might as well like him! :)

But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine

Sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for awhile,

We're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years,

We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time.

Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy,

Don't give up on me baby.

"For The First Time" ~The Script

Everything is fine...

It has been a month to the day since I last posted, and a crazy month it has been. The only thing I can really say is, everything is fine. Bubbie's surgery went well and he is fine. The move went well with only needing to saw our box spring (thank you Friend for staying extra long and helping my homie with that), and our bed is now fine. The dog is fine. The cat is fine. The dog is terrified of the cat which is COMPLETELY fine. Work is fine. The kids, the husband, myself...all fine. Really. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing is exciting or awesome or amazing. Nothing is terrible either. Just fine. Which makes me wonder....when is the storm going to start??? I'm just waiting for something beautiful.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep,

I feel the waves crashin' on my feet.

It's like I know where I need to be,

But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out,

Just how much air I will need to breathe,

When your tide rushes over me.

There's only one way to figure out,

Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire,

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach,

'Cause I am down on my knees.

I'm waiting for something beautiful,

Oh, something beautiful.

And the water is rising quick,

And for years I was scared of it.

We can't be sure when it will subside,

So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

Hey now, this is my desire,

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach,

'Cause I am down on my knees.

I'm waiting for somethng beautiful,

Oh, something beautiful.

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.

I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.

When I wake up, I know I will have,

No, I still won't have what I need.

Oh, something beautiful.

"Something Beautiful"~NeedToBreathe

I need G.A....

Germaphobes Anonymous. Yes, that's right. I am a straight up Lysol wipe carrying-shopping cart disinfecting-germaphobe. At some point during the past year, probably around Bubbie's 4th or 5th ear infection, I became a Class-A germaphope. I can't stop myself. I find myself carrying a baggie with Lysol wipes in my purse so I am always prepared to disinfect whatever surface the Bubs is going to touch. This is the complete opposite of how I was with the Dude. You're kid has a cold? No sweat. That crusty highchair? Whatever, he is SITTING on it, he has a layer of clothing between him and the half-eaten cheerios. And that kid? Yeah, he got sick ONCE as a baby. He had bronchitis and a double ear infection at 11 months old. That was it. He did get the occasional cold but nothing else. He was a healthy child. It's even more mind boggling because he has an auto-immune disorder. So, wouldn't he have gotten sick all the time? Nope. But Bubbie. Ugh. He has been sick since he was 3 weeks old and was on the verge of RSV. I used to be one of those people who would snicker inside when I saw someone wiping down whatever surface their child would touch. I would think 'Lady, you're crazy. Build that child's immune system.' Oh dear sweet ignorance. This is my apology to that mother. That mother who has most likely spent countless hours with a sick baby. A baby that once didn't get disinfected every time he left the house but now needs to. I apologize for my nasty, superior 'tude toward you. I now realize the necessity of Lysol wipes and anti-bacterial hand gel.
This Friday, Bubbie is getting tubes in his ears. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, I can lay off the Lysol and not worry so much about the tiniest cold. Until then, I would appreciate it if the local grocery stores will continue a well-stocked disinfectant aisle.

Moving....

We are officially in the throes of moving. We are only moving about 11 miles away and yet, I am completely exhausted. Not that I am doing any hard labor. I am doing all the "business" aspects...securing the truck, the permits, informing utilities to stop/start billing us. (I'd just like to interject that it is completely ridiculous that you need a permit to move into a place and move out. Really? REALLY??) My husband has done ALL the packing except for my half of the closet. He is patching holes and touching up walls here, while ripping down wallpaper and painting there. Did I mention he is still getting up at 4:45am to go to work and taking care of the boys while I'm at work? Yeah, he's pretty amazing. The question that remains in my mind is, why am I the tired one? Why am I so exhausted? I have done nothing labor intensive. I have been going about my normal day to day life with the exception of walking around a box or two and NOT looking at the mess.

Today actually starts day 1 of getting Bubbie to nap in his Pack-and-Play. He hasn't done it since last September and didn't do it well then. I am trying to make him used to it now because he and his brother will be sleeping at my parents house the weekend of the move. Now, this little bubbie is not as flexible as his big brother was. He is more intense and just, well, intense. He lets you know HE is HERE (I don't know where he got that from) and if he wants a toy or attention, he has no qualms about smacking you to get that toy or attention. (We do not tolerate this behavior.) He is a sweet and loving little boy who wants it his way at all costs. (I've really never met anyone like him.*insert sarcasm*) His brother was not so high strung. He was more of a cuddler who would be deeply wounded every time he was told "No". So, while I am grateful of grandma's offer to take both boys from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, I am terrified of the "We are NEVER doing THAT again". Which is why he is being trained to sleep in his Pack-and-Play. Hey, at least he will be well rested while beating up his brother at parent's house. :)

Woof Woof

Yesterday was a hard day. Past negatives were popping up all around me and I just couldn't shake the feeling of failure. Failures that shouldn't have a bearing on me anymore yet some times in the absolute silence of the day, they creep up from the darkest recess of my soul and grab at me.

Now today, I'm listening to the soundtrack of a 14 month old bark at pictures of a cat (all animals bark currently), and I realize, those failures are what brought me this little creature. Had I not made the mistakes, I wouldn't have the marriage I have today, the friends I have today, and this crazy little boy who thinks every animal barks and every toy with wheels is a car that says "rooooooom".

Grace is sufficient for me. And my husband and children are proof of that grace. Thank God for grace!

Well the past is playing with my head,
And failure knocks me down again.
I'm reminded of the wrong,
That I have said and done,
And that devil just won't let me forget.

In this life,
I know what I've been.
But here in your arms,
I know what I am.

I'm forgiven.

Yesterday was a waste of a day. Instead of relying on the One who can take them away, I fell deeper. Not anymore. Because while I was focusing on the PAST, I wasn't living the PRESENT. So today, I will live in today. Not yesterday, not 5 years ago, but today. Not tomorrow, not next week, not 5 years from now. Just today.

Teach me to number my days,

And count every moment,

Before it slips away.

Take all the colors,

Before they fade to gray.

I don't want to miss,

Even just a second more of this.

It happens in a blink.

It happens in a flash.
It happens in the time it took to look back.

I try to hold on tight,

But theres no stopping time.

What is it I've done with me life?

It happens in a blink.

When it's all said and done,

No one remembers how far we have run.

The only thing that matters,

Is how we have loved.

New Year, New You

I hate New Years. I hate the resolutions. I hate the staying up to watch a giant ball drop, just to say it's a new day, a new year, new hope, new, new, new. I hate it. Mostly because I buy into every year, and every year I disappoint myself. I make resolutions only to have them broken in a matter of days and then beat myself up for breaking them. So instead of ridiculous resolutions, I am making goals for myself this year. I realize I will not change over night. Or will I? After all, it's a new year and I'm not going to be cranky no matter how little sleep I got, right? Sure, then it's 3am, I have been asleep for 2 and a half hours and hear a blood curdling scream through the monitor. Then it's 7:20 and I have 40 more minutes to sleep and I hear "Mommy, let me show you this awesome lego comic that came with my Lego Star Wars magazine." Now, I haven't had my coffee yet and I hear "Hmmm, I could really go for some eggs right now." Combine the lack of solid sleep, the zero caffiene intake, and the wonderful horomones my Dr. has me on for the next couple of months and I am just a ball of joy aren't I?? RESOLUTION NUMBER 1, BROKEN. Not only is it broken, but it is destroyed before the new year could even start.
So this year, I decided not to make drastic changes over night but small little ones. And because I know you care so much, here they are.
1. I will not throw a fit (throwing covers, forcefully getting out of bed and opening the door and loudly proclaiming "Don't worry, I got it") when the baby wakes me up out of a deep sleep. Instead, I will calmly and quietly do it and if I truly am that exhausted, I will nicely ask the bed warmer next to me to please get him this time. And if I do throw a fit, I will apologize first thing in the morning.
2. I will read more and watch a little less TV. Because really, I don't know you personally Mario Lopez. You're baby is cute but come on, do I need to really know the details of your life? Probably not.
3. I will accept that I am human, I do make mistakes, I can't change yesterday, but can make today better.
4. And lastly, if I want that cookie, I'm going to eat it and not feel guilty.

These may seem juvenile, but they are my goals. They are not unattainable, ridiculous things that I am going to fail at over night. They are a work in progress, because I am a work in progress.